Hello everyone! My name is Summer Watts, welcome to my blog! đ Thank you so much for visiting it, and I hope that this blog inspires and encourages you, and points first and foremost to Jesus. For such a long time, I hesitated making a blog because, to be quite frank, I did not think anyone would care to read what I had to write. I struggled with finding the motivation to write because I felt like my words did not really matter. I was also having a really hard time finding my words. I just couldn’t decide on what I wanted to write about. Finally, I decided that the best thing I could write about was myself, my struggles, my triumphs, my failures, and my day-to-day thoughts on, well life! I know that the Lord has guided me here for a reason, and I am really excited to share with you everything the Lord has done, and everything that the Lord is doing in my life.
As many of you may know, my husband Nick and I recently moved from our home in Astoria, Oregon to Elizabeth City, North Carolina. Nick is an AMT (helicopter mechanic) in the Coast Guard, and due to his work we are moved from one duty station to another every 3 or so years. By the grace of God, Nick finally got accepted into the WOFT (Warrant Officer Flight Training Program) for the Army! As a result, both of our lives will be undergoing a significant amount of change within a rather short period of time. What I hope to do is document much of that change and how I handle it (both positively and negatively) here! It is going to be a very exciting but also tumultuous and difficult journey, and I hope that my side of the story will do nothing but encourage, inspire, and occasionally entertain lol!
Another topic that will shape and direct my blog will be something very personal. As some of my close family members and friends may know, I suffer from an autoimmune disorder called Hashimoto’s Disease. The link that I have provided within the previous text will give you a quick run-down on what the disease exactly is, its symptoms, and its complications. I found out that I had this disease when I was a freshman in college. I was also diagnosed with ADD at the same time, which I am sure has been at least partially caused by my thyroiditis. Over the course of 4-6 years, my thyroiditis has steadily gotten worse, and more complicated in nature. Although it is by no means a fatal disease, it is definitely a very real and painful struggle that I have had to endure and adapt to. So, you may be asking this question right about now: why am I telling you all of this?
Well, like I said, for a long time, I struggled with starting a blog because I had NO idea what I wanted to write about. I also just didn’t think anyone was going to care about what I wrote. I wrestled with these self-esteem-rooted issues for a long time, telling myself that I was going to start writing but, I didn’t. However, I am here today to open up about my story not because of any outstanding power or strength that I have, but because of the power and strength that the Lord has given me. I won’t pretend that I have this power and strength everyday… on the contrary I feel powerless and weak most of the time. But God is there, and my central message is this: He is there for you too, no matter what you are going through. It is an ongoing, grueling, monotonous, and often infuriating struggle here on Earth, but there is so much beauty in this struggle. I hope that my personal struggles, triumphs, and failures will inspire, encourage, and challenge many of you to be the best person you can be. And if any of you are suffering from a physical condition like me, whether it be similar to mine or not, I hope that this blog will especially encourage and enlighten you.
Hey yâall, PHEW itâs been hectic but amazing over here in Yelm, Washington with our new little addition, Mr. Wayne William Watts â¤ď¸. I prayed for a son, and God bestowed upon me a son, and I am so thankful for that answered prayer (although I would have been thankful for a healthy girl too). I didnât realize how much I missed the baby snuggles until I had another baby. Itâs been pure exhaustion, but total bliss.
In other news, our future is very much up in the air with the military, so we are anxiously waiting to hear what God has in store for us. If youâre curious about the details of that, Nick is the better person to ask than me, but long story short the Apache units here are getting axed, and Nick is an Apache pilot. Heâs looking into reclassing and potentially doing something else in the military, but we arenât sure if that will happen or not. So prayers for that would be greatly appreciated.
As for me, I have felt God nudging me for a while now to share my testimony. I have said in other blog posts that I was going to share it, but I kept coming up with reasons as to why I shouldnât. The one I thought of the other day was âeh, no one will really care about it, why bother.â Another reason I came up with was âwhat if people raise their eyebrows at it? I donât think I want people to think of me different.â Another one was, âI donât really have time, I am exhaustedâ, and yet I found time to do other things instead. I think Iâve been giving into satan’s whispers in my ears, and I am going to stamp those out today. I am going to share my personal, unique testimony with yâall. I want to share it in the hopes that it will encourage, inspire, and enlighten those who are believers, or arenât believers. I also hope that it will make those who read it feel like they arenât alone in their struggles. So, here goes.
Now, a testimony for a Christian is the story of how a Christian came to dedicate their life to Jesus. Some people have very impactful testimonies that involve life shattering events or extreme trials that led them to Jesus. These testimonies are often viewed as the most effective in leading people to Jesus, and for good reason. However, for many (not all) that grew up in the faith like me, we donât have jaw-dropping testimonies. In fact, they are often really dry and boring since we have been raised up in the faith our whole lives. Now many who are raised up in the faith their whole lives turn away from the faith, and often come back to it in an incredible and inspirational way. Me, well thatâs not necessarily the case.
Iâve always loved Jesus, however Iâve never loved Jesus as much as I do now. As dysfunctional and traumatizing as my upbringing was in a broken family, my parents did a fantastic job at teaching me and my siblings the love of Jesus. They also put us in vacation Bible school and countless other church functions that helped bring us up in the faith exponentially. So Iâve always had Jesus in my life, to a pretty good degree.
I didnât really understand how important my relationship to Jesus was though until my sophomore year in college. I was online dating at the time, and had been doing it for a little while. The college I went to was very liberal, and it was extremely difficult to find men who shared my Christian values. At that time, I had never dated. I was 20, and desperate to find love. Iâd been dreaming about finding a man that would complete my Hollywood romantic drama expectations. Since I didnât get a good view of what love looked like in my home, I went to movies. Oh, how silly I was. But, thatâs just what I thought at the time. I didn’t know what it looked like in real life, so I assumed that what I saw in the movies had to be a somewhat decent depiction of it. And I really thought that finding that person would bring me the happiness that I thought I was missing in my life. So I searched, and searched, and searched. After a bunch of duds, and a whole lot of toads, I finally found someone really special.Â
Now, long story short, our relationship was very tumultuous. He loved me when I didnât love him, and I loved him when he didnât love me. During the time when I loved him and didnât want to accept that he had moved on from me, I was a total wreck. I was at rock bottom. I was the most depressed that I have ever been. I beat myself up, and I yearned for someone that God had steered on a different path. I let it consume my thoughts, and my life. It was like I was putting every ounce of my self-worth into it. It was pure misery.
On one not so special day, my mom and I went to a thrift store over summer break. At that time, I was living with my mom and pining over my lost love still. We got to the thrift store, and I decided to stay in the car while my mom went in. I thought about my lost love while I was in the car, and fell into a deeper sorrow. I remember praying, but I donât remember my exact prayer. I just remember being in so much emotional pain. I felt so frustrated, sad, and broken-hearted. I felt like I had something so special, and that I had thrown it away. How could I get this man that I loved back? Was it really over between us? Could I convince him to give me another chance? Those were the thoughts that consumed my mind. Eventually, I got tired of waiting by myself in the car, and ventured into the thrift store. This is when things get crazy.
So I was looking around, numb with pain, and I and was most likely annoyed that my mom was taking so long (sorry momđ). I came across a frame that had a letter in it, and I just happened to look at it and read it. This is what it said.
Since itâs in a cursive that may be hard to read, I ll type it out underneath the picture.
“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another. To be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says no, not until you’re satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you My child and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of any one or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait. Don’t be anxious and don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me, or you’ll miss what I have to show you.
And when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I’ve prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is Perfect Love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you.
I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied.”
I stopped dead in my tracks.
Wow. Just wow, I thought. This was exactly what I needed to hear, but had not heard and, frankly, didn’t want to hear. God saw my suffering and my pain when I thought he wasn’t listening at all. He saw my tears, and how torn up I was inside while I was sitting in my mom’s car. Up to this point in my life, I had been doing exactly what this message told me not to do. I had been planning, and wishing, and it was all that occupied my mind. I was so lonely, so hurt from my upbringing, and so ready for someone to love me. I was thoroughly convinced that that someone was supposed to be that “special someone”, a partner relationship, and the kind that I had seen in movies to boot. “If I can get that kind of love”, I thought, “I wouldn’t be so lonely. I wouldn’t be so sad, and I would be “completed” by someone else (Jerry McGuire reference). I would finally be happy. I would finally be satisfied.” But when I read this, that idea was shattered in an instant.
Okay, so here comes the part where some of you, maybe some of my fellow Christians, might be thinking, âhmmm⌠I wonder if Summer is over-spiritualizing this. This could have been coincidence, I am not sure if this was God.â For those who donât know the term âover-spiritualizeâ, âover-spiritualizingâ happens when someone takes random things that happen in everyday life, and assigns spiritual meaning to them willy-nilly. When someone âover-spiritualizesâ things, it means that they are giving so much spiritual meaning to things to the point where itâs hard to take it seriously. With my post-pregnancy brain, thatâs the best way I think I can describe it. It can be a real problem in the faith because the misinterpretation that comes from it can create false messages, mislead people, and turn many people away from Jesus.
And you are right. Thereâs a chance it was. However, I truly believe that it wasnât. I felt the Holy Spirit boldly speak to me through this message, and the highly specific content that is in the message is WAY beyond mere coincidence. I truly believe that God saw and deeply felt my pain in the car that day, and graciously decided to help put me back on track with that live-changing and beautiful message. Now did God actually write it? I donât know. I mean, Iâd sure like to think so, especially since the final line is “I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied.” It sure seems like it was based on the way it was written. However, even if he didnât, it was still a message that God wanted me to read, and store securely in my heart and mind. Had this message been for someone else prior? I am sure it could have been. But even if it was, it was for me then, now, and always. It changed my life. I grabbed the frame, and my mom bought it for me. I have it to this day.
I still really struggled after that day. But something in me definitely changed. A seed was planted. I realized what I needed to do even though I was still in the thick of my pain: I had to fully rely on Jesus for EVERYTHING. I realized that I had relied on people for satisfaction and happiness my entire life, even though I had known and loved Jesus my whole life. I loved him, but I didnât put him in charge of my life. He was there, but on the sidelines of my life just watching and waiting for me to come to him. That day, in my pain and suffering, he listened, and intervened, and I am forever grateful that he did. That message that he gave me that day has echoed in my ear constantly since then. I still struggle, and always seem to rely more on people than I should, especially when things are going well. But my entire view of Christianity changed drastically that day. It was no longer about finding happiness through people. It was about finding joy, satisfaction, and peace in him and him alone. It was about making him my first love.
Like I said, I didnât just master it right away. I still struggle a lot with this. I mean, who doesnât want to rely on someone thatâs close to them for their happiness? People are right in front of us, they can hug, kiss, encourage, comfort, and be physically there for us when we need it. They can also hurt us beyond all measure, but when things are going well, itâs amazing. But when they aren’t going well, and people fail us, where do we go then? Alcohol? Drugs? People that aren’t good for us? Those are just a few. But they all have the same thing in common: they overpromise and under-deliver.
God is there, but it takes hard work to access him on a day-to-day basis. A deep and loving relationship with him is a lifestyle, itâs a discipline. You canât just call him up and expect him to answer clearly and immediately like a close friend would, and even when youâre extremely close to him sometimes it can be a real challenge. Heâs not physically in front of us. But, he can talk to us, and we can feel his presence if we work hard at being in a relationship with him. Most people however donât want to do the work, which is why they choose to look for satisfaction and happiness in people. They choose a luke-warm relationship with God, and a full-time relationship with people. That is what I did. These relationships satisfy us in the moment, but itâs always short-term. Itâs like drinking Coca-Cola for hydration. Itâs delicious, but it has too much sugar, dehydrates you, and is horrible for your body if thatâs all you drink. Being in a relationship with God is like drinking water, just plain old water. But the more you drink, the better you feel, and the healthier and happier you become. Don’t get me wrong, you can still drink Coca-Cola and enjoy it. God wants us to have those HEALTHY human relationships, those are his gift to us. But the more you rely on it for your sole hydration, the more your body starts to deteriorate.
I continue to learn this lesson over and over: No matter how perfect you think your circle of friends or your spouse is, they will always hurt you. Itâs just inevitable. But God offers us a perfect love that surpasses any human relationship. But like I said, itâs work. HARD work. God waits for us to come to him to access this love, he doesnât force us. If he did force us, it wouldn’t be genuine. We have free will to choose what’s best for us, or what’s bad for us.
When things are going well, I tend to rely on people much more than I should. Then when things take a wrong turn, I realize that I need to recalibrate and put my sole focus on Jesus during the bad, AND the good so that the bad isnât so bad. Itâs a constant discipline thatâs difficult to master if you arenât soaking yourself in the word, praying, and spending alone time with the Lord. Itâs so much easier to grab a friend and rely on them. But they canât take the weight. Jesus is the only one who can take the weight of everything we carry. He is the only one who can satisfy, and give us true peace. The perfect love that he offers, that quenches every soul, heart, and mind, cannot be found in anyone or anything in the world. It can only be found in him.
The above highlighted message that I received that day drastically changed my life, and continues to shape the way I live, my relationships, and my faith. Every time a friend, my spouse, or a family member lets me down, I remember that they were not meant to carry the weight that I am putting on them. Instead of getting angry and insecure, (which I still get sometimes), I try my hardest to find him, and and relinquish that weight onto him. Every time I choose Jesus instead of the world, I grow closer and closer to Jesus. The closer to Jesus I am, the more peace, satisfaction, and joy I have. Good times are sweeter, and hard times just bring me closer to him.
I can’t emphasize it enough. I still really struggled after that day. My pain didnât just poof, disappear. I still was very heartbroken. But I eventually confronted the man that I was in love with one final time, and he made it very clear that God was calling him down a different path. God made that very clear to me yet again. And one random night, at 3am, I decided to open my dorky Christian dating app, and I ran into Nick. I swiped right and the rest is even more proof of Gods goodness, mercy, and faithfulness. That is for another time.
If you have made it this far, thank you so much for reading my story. I hope it has really encouraged and comforted at least one person. My story is proof that God can show up at any time and anywhere, and that he can talk to you in so many different and miraculous ways. I knew God was talking to me that day through what I had read, and that he had put it into my path on purpose. It wasnât mere coincidence, it was Jesus. I am so thankful for that day, because it changed the way I view my relationship with Jesus, and my life forever â¤ď¸.
Feel free to share my testimony with others if you think it will encourage someone, and/or feel free to share your testimony in the comments down below, or with me personally. I would love to read about some of yâallâs stories. I am excited to share more about where God is going to take us next⌠when I know 𤣠I love yâall, and I will check back in with yâall soon â¤ď¸.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Hey y’all! Gosh what a rollercoaster it’s been lately. So much has happened since my last post; good things, but also very challenging things. I still canât believe that I am pregnant again⌠and this time with a B-O-Y!Â
I prayed to the Lord that He would bless me with a boy, but knew that it could easily be a second girl, and so when He gave me a son, I was filled to the brim with joy. It’s funny too, because I told my friend who helped me do the gender reveal that I did feel sad it wasnât another girl for some reasons, and of course she rolled her eyes because I had told her how much I wanted a boy (which was fair haha). But now that it is a boy, I feel like it’s a new and exciting frontier, and so I am so grateful for that, since this pregnancy was completely unplanned.
If I was to be completely honest, I wasnât exactly ecstatic about having another baby so soon. The first word that came out of my mouth when I found out was, in a word, colorful. But God has really been working on me, and reminding me of his amazing provision and perfect plan in my life during this time. He has spoken to me words of renewal, clarity, and above all, love. He has really been trying to remind me that it’s not about how much money you make, or how much work you get done, or how many friends you have; it’s all about Jesus, what He has done for you, what He is trying to teach you. Itâs about allowing His plan to take full effect in your life, and about doing your best to honor Him in everything that you do. I am REALLY learning that the only true satisfaction that lasts comes from Jesus.
In SO many ways, I have had to learn this lesson the hard way. I have relied on people, money, and circumstances throughout my entire life, and He has brought all of those things to ground zero so that I would wake up and listen to Him, and His key message to me: that NOTHING in this world satisfies like He can.
And for a while, it sits in well. I feel it, and I stick to it, and I feel His love and comfort like nothing I have ever felt. But the second I let myself get depressed or anxious over a friend, or over something financial, or over something I didnât do that I should have done to âstay productiveâ, I lose sight of that simple but powerful message really fast. It’s honestly SO frustrating how quickly I lose sight of it, and start putting my satisfaction in other things other than Him. It’s CRAZY how my mind just defaults to the same empty cartons that I have relied on so foolishly to fill my cup. It’s a constant and arduous weeding of your mental garden, a never-ending psychological discipline to rely FULLY on the Lord and nothing else in your life. And at times, it’s HARD. Really, really hard. Especially when it seems like everything in your life is falling apart, because that is when Godâs love doesnât seem to be revealing itself physically in your life.
So I have felt God speak to me, and He has told me very clearly to 1) Stop putting my confidence in things that do not satisfy or have any real value and 2) To use my truly humble writing skill to write a book about how to experience, and keep the forever lasting satisfaction that only Godâs perfect love can bring. I know⌠I am such an expert on this right? Not really. But I really believe that God wants me to share my experiences with this so that others can benefit from it, and come closer to Jesus. I am not sure how long it will take to write, I mean sometimes I feel like I havenât even lived enough years to even be qualified to write such a book. But the hardest experiences/seasons in my life have ALL been caused by one thing: not relying fully on Jesus and His love. And, on one not so remarkable day when I was dealing with one of the hardest experiences of my life, He spoke to me as clear as day that what I needed to do was to trust and rely on His love for full satisfaction. He also told me that until then, I would not experience what special plan He had in store for me. That particular experience I want to share in my book, and in a later blog post because without me knowing it at the time, it really changed the trajectory of my life.
So even though I may not be the most qualified, or even the best writer for the job, I truly believe that God has put me on a mission to share my experiences so that others can grow closer to Jesus through them. I definitely do not claim to be the most knowledgeable, or skilled, but I know that Jesus will give me the words to say, and the ears and hearts of those who need to hear it so badly. I really look forward to sharing more with y’all, and if you could (and if you have made it this far), hold me accountable to this mission. This is something I feel strongly about, and that I want to finish. Having ADHD means that I am stellar at starting things⌠and abysmal at finishing them. So please, if you see me, and remember what I have said here, ask me how that mission is going, and how God is progressing it, and that will be just what I need to keep going.
I love y’all, and canât wait to share more about recent life updates, and what else God is doing in my life. For now, thatâs all, but as always, I’ll be back! đ
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Hey guys! I know I know, its been a while since I have been on here, life has been throwing all sorts of curve balls but I am here now, haha that’s what matters! I have missed ya’ll, and I hope everyone is doing well!
WOW where to even start?! Autumn is almost 8 months old, how crazy is that?? Its so crazy how fast time flies without asking for permission. In the words of the ever-so-wise and glorious Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Well, I have definitely been missing some of it, but now I am back to share with ya’ll what I’ve been learning despite my shortcomings and excessive busy-ness.
A little about Nick, he is going away for the whole month of October to do some field training in Yakima, Washington. He will be gone for my birthday, but I have grown used to it at this point. I think I am also getting to that point where I am realizing that birthdays are important, but aren’t like what they used to be when you are an adult, and honestly that is okay. It reminds me that God thought that the world really needed someone like me on this earth, but it no longer prompts me to have some sort of special, self-centered day where its all about me if that makes sense. I guess that’s what growing up does to you haha!
Other than that, Nick, Autumn, and I are just living our lives the best way we know how. We are going to Hawaii for a week with his family, so that should be a lot of fun. We will be leaving Autumn behind, so that will be hard for me I think, but I will have my mom to watch her and Facetime me every 5 minutes haha!
Life certainly has gotten more expensive to live (can we take a second to address food prices?! YIKES), but God has been so good to us and we are doing well.
In terms of personal growth, I am really starting to find my true self. I have been learning lately just how much I don’t know WHO I am. God has REALLY been forcing me to slow down, find joy in Him, and reflect on who I really am in Him. In other words, He has really been trying to get me to see who He made me to be. And boy, has it been eye-opening learning about ME haha!
Below I will list off some things I have really been learning about myself lately, things many of ya’ll may not know… things that I didn’t really know super well until I recognized them myself!
I HATE conflict. I avoid it like the plague. Any way… ANY WAY I can get out of it, I get out of it. It gives me severe anxiety, especially now post-partum. BUT, I have gotten better at confronting conflict. Maybe not much better, but better.
I try to resolve conflicts, I am a peace-maker at heart. I used to do it whenever my siblings were fighting which each other or my parents, and I still do it now.
When I am in a social setting and notice that the people there know each other already, I immediately become an introvert even though I am more in the middle between an introvert and an extrovert because I realize that I am the odd-one out (being the odd-one out is a recurring theme throughout my life and has caused me a great deal of trauma).
I am a people-pleaser. I seek to make connections any way I can because it makes me feel a part of something. When I feel a part of something, it boosts my self-esteem and gets rid of my main fear: being left out and ignored and made fun of.
I am not a huge sweets person, I love salty things.
I love anime, video games, and I am very interested in politics (I am right-leaning in my thought processes).
I love to write, but I don’t like to read. I do audiobooks whenever I can.
I am a deep thinker, REALLY deep thinker. English classes always excited me because I got to dig deep into themes, the time period, etc.
I love Jesus and studying His word, but I often struggle with my spirituality because I compare it to the spirituality of others. For example, if I see someone in church, raising their hands, dancing, going above in beyond during worship, it makes me uncomfortable and feel insecure because that’s not how I worship, and oftentimes I think, “should that be me?”
My talents are writing, speaking, dancing, and encouraging/being there for others. I love to tell stories, and come close to others in their time of need. But I have also had to learn that I need to set up good boundaries so that I don’t get taken advantage of, used, and manipulated (this is a work in progress).
These are just a few, but these are some key things that I have really learned about myself lately that I thought I would share. What happened to me in my life was this: I was often made fun of and belittled for who I was, and was always told that I needed to be something else other than myself. Now, I think there is a difference between being yourself, and being a BETTER self, so I will recognize that, but growing up, my skillset was never really taken seriously. Sure I accomplished some cool things in my life that got me some praise and recognition, but overall my talents were not seen as valuable. That is why I don’t write like I used to. That is why I don’t dance like I used to. That is why I get close to people, but have some barriers up because of past hurts. I never was really encouraged to know and embrace who I TRULY was.
Instead, I was told to achieve things. I was told to be better, do better, get a college degree because it was the only way I would be able to do anything in life. I was told that a journalism or writing degree “wouldn’t make me any money”, and that I needed to fabricate a new talent that would support me. Dancing? Worthless. Just a phase. It’s time to move on, I was told.
The only person in my life who saw my talents early, and encouraged me to pursue them every time I saw him was my Grandpa Murray. At one point, I thought it was annoying actually. He would insist on giving me articles, tell me to write about them, and send him my response. He even tried to get me to write a book called “The Mask”, a book about how people hide their real selves from the world, and the difficult consequences that come from hiding your true self from others, and yourself. He always wanted me to write because he knew it was my true talent. He didn’t see it the way others saw it. Others saw it as a hobby, a skill that wouldn’t amount to anything. He saw it as my destiny. He was the only one who encouraged me to see it as my genuine, God-given talent. He even did that with my dancing, because he knew I was good at that too. I will never forget that, and I will always treasure him for seeing my authentic self when no one else really did or cared to.
The problem was, I didn’t have enough people speaking the truth of who I really was, and what my talents really were to me. Instead, everyone wanted me to be someone else. Someone who did their hair differently. Someone who wasn’t so awkward, dorky, and weak. Someone who dressed differently, and pursued different hobbies and dreams than the ones God gave me.
And so, being eighteen and having a ground-zero self-esteem, I became the chameleon that I was told to be. I left my dancing teams, I pursued International Relations, got a job to help support myself, and that was that. Sure I still wrote in my classes, but it wasn’t the main focus like it should have been. Instead of honing the skill that God had clearly given to me, I chose to take on something else that I wasn’t really even into. I did learn a lot, and ended up finding my love for politics and international news through it, but was it what God really wanted me to do? Maybe it was so that I could come to this ground-breaking realization here and now, at this time and in this place. See, God’s hand is at work in our life ALWAYS, especially during the times where things seem all over the place, squandered, and lost. True intimacy with Jesus comes through the hardships, and rarely the good times.
At this point in my life, God has really been telling me to return to my talents, and use them and invest in them for his glory. But I still struggle. Why? Because of these old scripts. Because of the old narrative that was ingrained in me so harshly for so many years. Its not easy just shedding those old narratives and scripts off. So often I think to myself, “Who would want to read what I have to say? Its not like anyone cares. My words don’t really matter. I’ll just bury them and pursue something else. I’ll just focus on caring for my daughter and being a better spouse and cleaning house, I don’t have time to write. Its not like anyone cares anyways.” That perspective, I have learned, is extremely damaging, and restricts God from carrying out the amazing work He wants to do in my life, and others.
In my last blog, I believe it was, I shared with ya’ll the time when I brought one of my friends and her husband to Jesus. How did that start? She read my blog. During that time, my blog was just something I did to try and exercise my writing muscles. Even though these muscles were weak and poisoned by low self-esteem, I decided to push through it and share my thoughts into, what I really thought was, the empty void. But someone noticed me. They noticed my devotion to my faith, my resilience, my tenacity to keep chugging along even when things sucked. They noticed, and they asked me about it! And that led to Nick and I sharing Jesus with her, and her sharing Jesus with her husband. They saved their marriage that was on the brink of failure, and now they are born again Christians!
Now, I do not take ownership for this. It was ALL God. BUT, He used me and, what I thought were words that no one was reading, to captivate her. I didn’t do it, but at the same time I did. I did because I put my faith in God, and decided to write anyways despite my insecurities. And as a result, He BLESSED me with a new friend, and saved her!
That is what I will leave behind, my words. That will be my legacy. It may take even more pain and struggling to fully come to terms with my talent, and how I need to invest in it, but just like God blessed me then, He can and will do it again if I put my faith and trust in Him. And if you are in a similar boat, and God is trying to teach you how to invest in and take on your talents, He can do the exact same thing for you!
Autumn has woken up, haha, but I hope to come back here very soon. I am so blessed to have the audience I have in each of you, and if you have made it to the end, thank you so much. I didn’t get to cover everything I wanted to cover, but maybe this is where I should end it for now so God can put more on my heart for next time. I love you all, and look forward to sharing more soon. đ
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Hey yâall, WOW once again itâs been a while since coming on here. Itâs SO crazy how time flies. I realize now that my last few posts have started out with the last two sentences, but hey life is a whirlwind what can I say? My last post was mainly about how our cross-country move from Alabama to Washington went, but this post is going to detail my induction and my delivery.
So much has changed since my last post, EVERYTHING really. But itâs all been amazing and awesome life-changing change. GuysâŚ. I am a MOM!! Summer Juliet Watts is officially a MOM. And I am so happy to be a mom.
Speaking of being a mom, I am going to preface this blog post with a bold statement that I firmly believe is true. It’s really heartbreaking, but something I have realized ten-fold since becoming a mom. I am sharing this because I think itâs a really important fact that every mom, and every woman that plans on being a mom needs to really grasp and understand.Â
The world today DOES NOT want women like me (or any woman really) to become a mom. We are a threat. And the world (we might as well just say Satan) is trying to defeat and exterminate us, our children, and the family unit every day.
There, I said it. And itâs 100% true. The spiritual attacks I have faced post-pregnancy have been unreal, and are proof alone that this statement is true. The family unit is dying, and itâs because of what the world is teaching young women today. Let me say this right off the bat: I am not saying that having a job is a bad thing, its an amazing thing. Its even better if you can be a mom and have a job. But the world wants you sold out to it above all else, and it wants your relationships, your family, and your personal health to take a backseat.
The world wants young women like me to devote their lives to the paycheck. It wants women to work and date until their biological time-clock runs out. It doesnât want meaningful relationships that build a legacy. It wants casual flings and degenerate hook-ups. It tells us that we donât need a man, and that we donât need to procreate and take the attention off of ourselves and our all-consuming careers. Why? Because the world today that we live in is extremely anti-family. It wants us to pick lust, selfishness, and money over a higher calling. And if we choose to have kids, it wants to destroy them at every turn. It attacks the family unit non-stop, and shames you for being a mom. And if you are a mom and not making an income, then youâre just another run-of-the-mill âmomâ, a dime a dozen in their book.Â
It also guilts you for rejecting the liberal and toxic principles that it wants to force onto your kids in schools. The world makes you feel like being a mom is the least important thing that you can be today, even though itâs the singular most important thing you can be in todayâs clown show day and age.
So if youâre a mom and have been feeling the weight of the world lately, take that weight and throw it out in the garbage with the rest of Satanâs lies. Being a mom is CRUCIAL in this day and age, and donât for a second think itâs not. As someone who used to be job-obsessed and used to chase after promotions and paychecks, I can tell you right now that being a mom (even though I havenât really been a mom for too long) is 1000 times more rewarding and fulfilling than getting any promotion or paycheck is. Itâs also 1000 times harder and a million times more important. With that being lifted off my chest, letâs dive into my birth story because it really is proof of Gods faithfulness, love, grace, and mercy. If it seems a little all over the place, I apologize in advance as some of my memories are a bit scattered. Hopefully though, you see the beauty and Godâs faithfulness in it like I did.Â
So a month or two before I gave birth, I had a dream, a really important dream. In the Bible, for those who donât know, God used dreams to reveal the future. A good example of this can be found in Genesis 37-50, which details Josephâs story. For the record, I truly believe God still does this today, which is why I am sharing with yâall this particular dream.
The dream was short, and I donât remember the small details, but in the dream I remember being induced and being really afraid because I didnât want to be induced (which is how I felt about being induced, and when I was induced). But after being induced, my baby popped right out of me with ease, and I remember thinking in the dream, âwow, is it over already?â I was amazed. And then I woke up. I remember telling Nick about the dream and saying something like, âWell I sure hope this is what God has for me when my actual birth happensâ, but I had little to no hope that this was going to happen.
Fast forward to January 29th, the day I got induced. I remember waking up that day, doing my usual milling and waddling around the house, and then going to the bathroom and noticing some odd fluid coming out. This had happened the night before too while Nick and I were watching some anime, and it felt like more of a small gush that night. I called Nick and told him about it, and he told me that we should go into triage and get it checked out that day. So we did, and I didnât think much of it. âThey will send me homeâ, I thought, âitâs just a false alarm, but better safe than sorry.â Well, turns out I was wrong. They did an ultrasound, and found that my fluid sacs surrounding my placenta (or in my placenta, frankly I donât remember which one but you get the idea) didnât really have any fluid in them. According to the nurses, this was a problem, and could potentially harm my baby if I waited any longer. So without even telling me they were going to induce me, the nurses plopped me in a room and acted like I already knew what was going to happen⌠when they hadnât even told me. So once I figured it out I was SHOCKED, excited, but SCARED.
For most of you that donât know, I had this irrational fear during pregnancy that I was going to die in child-birth. Not really sure why, but I had heard some horrific stories and given my luck with my health, I just had this really weird and irrational fear, placed there by the enemy no doubt. So when I found out I was being induced, I asked the nurse if I could go home and risk it⌠and to my dismay they said I could but that it wasnât smart. So later that day, they placed two balloons that would become the size of clementines up inside me, and for about 12 hours I endured that. Towards the end, it was some of the most miserable pain I had ever endured⌠but it wasnât in vain. After they took them out, I was 3 centimeters dilated.
The next day, January 30th, they started the pitocin. This is supposed to give you contractions, but it causes severe pain over time as they increase the dose via the IV. So I started it, and it wasnât bad at first. My nurse, who was sent from God, was a nurse that chose to go slow with the dose increases. She told me that some nurses tend to be more aggressive, upping the dose by ten each time, but I believe she was only upping mine by two which is a significant difference. So my pain was escalating, but slowly. My mom and step-dad came to visit, and I remember my mom walking the hallways with me as she rolled around my IV for me. We did some hip exercises, and walked a lot up and down the hallway right outside my room. I came back into the room, and asked for pain meds, which the nurse gave me. To my disappointment, they didn’t work well because I could still feel my contractions through them. After this, I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom, even though every time I went I wasnât going very much. Then, in came the mid-wife and another nurse on duty. They talked about breaking my water, and when they were going to do it⌠and literally as they were talking about breaking my water, my water broke. It was a sudden gush, and it felt like a gush from God, no joke. This is where my memory is a tad fuzzy, because I am not totally certain on when, but after my water broke I am pretty sure they checked to see how much I was dilated again⌠and to my dismay I was still only 3 centimeters.
But soon after, the pain from my contractions quickly became unbearable. I asked for an epidural, and received it very shortly after. The pain I felt during those contractions⌠well letâs just say it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. After the epidural kicked in, I still felt the pain. But after my bladder was emptied, I finally received relief. After that, I tried to get rest, but the nurses insisted on coming in every hour to turn my legs from one side to the other so that the numbing would be felt in both legs when delivery came. I was really appreciative of this, even though I did ask them to remove the ball that they had placed between my legs at one point because of the discomfort. This leg flipping process was crucial though I think when it came to delivering, because if they hadnât been doing that I think I easily could have felt an extreme pain in one leg, and numbing in the other. At around 8pm, they checked to see how dilated I was, and I went from 3 centimeters to 5. I felt a bit bummed, but was happy there was progress.
So, after a few hours of flip-flopping my legs, raising the pitocin dose, and pushing a button that kept sending numbing juice to my legs (which at some point they had to tell me to stop pushing because they said my legs were too numb), they checked to see how dilated I was again. They checked around 11:40pm. The mid-wife took a look and told me that I was fully dilated, and ready to have a baby. I was SO shocked, and happy at this. Nervous and scared, but SO happy. FINALLY, I was going to see my baby. So they brought in everything they needed to get the delivery going, and I got into position and started pushing really quickly. And you guysâŚ. I kid you not. I pushed probably a total of ten times. Couldnât feel a single thing⌠couldnât even feel myself pushing I was so numb. But my pushes were strong, and on the last push, Autumn shot out like a rocket and almost hit the floor. And so, Miss Autumn Joy Watts was born on January 31st at 12:11am. đ
The nurses immediately grabbed her and put her on my chest for the skin-to-skin contact. That whole time before and while pushing, I was doing my best to keep my focus on God, even though my focus was trying to go every which way. I remember reading a Sarah Young devotion while I was lying there at some point during my labor, and it said, ââŚbring every thought captive to meâ (2 Corinthians 10:5). And before the delivery, this came to my head. I did my best to focus on Him, and sure enough God blessed me for it. It was the best delivery I could have ever asked for or imagined or⌠dreamt of. đ The dream I had just a month or two prior came true. I truly believe that God gave me that dream, and fulfilled it to show just how much He loves me, and cares about the sweet little lamb that he brought into the world through me. I really truly believe that.
I know there are Christian cynics out there who donât think these kinds of things happen, but from my experience they do. Now, I do believe that it’s important to not to over-spiritualize things, because not everything is a sign from God. Itâs important to be able to discern which things are from God, and which things arenât. But we should never limit God. We should never be too skeptic when it comes to signs from God, because then we are limiting Godâs power and influence in and over our lives. And, we are missing out on proof of God’s glory and sovereignty when we label everything as “mere coincidence”. Personally, I don’t really believe in coincidence.
This isnât the only time God has done something like this in my life either. He has done things even more jaw-dropping than this in my life, and thatâs how I know He exists.
You always hear non-Christians say, âGod isnât real, and the Bible is pure fiction.â They always want PROOF that He is real, but even when given proof they mock it and act like itâs not valid. But based off of my experiences and relationship with Jesus, I can tell you with 100% certainty that Jesus loves you, He loves me, and that He comes close to those who seek Him. I am not saying that I never doubt, but I am saying that God is real and ALWAYS working. If you want proof that God exists, then get to know Him. And wow, I can tell you that if you are genuine in your search, He will most definitely show Himself to you in ways you never imagined.
Those first few moments with Autumn were so magical and special. I just couldnât believe what my body had done, and what God had created and allowed my body to do. Every time I look at my sweet Autumn girl, I canât believe that God chose me to make such a precious and beautiful little girl. She is Godâs handiwork, and his handiwork is the most glorious and magnificent thing in the world to behold.
And with that, I’ll bring this blog post to a close. If youâve made it this far, just WOW. Thank you so much for reading, and feel free to comment your thoughts and share this blog with others. I have so many more thoughts on the importance of being a mom and how itâs impacted my thinking, but I’ll save those for next time. Everyday I am learning so much, and itâs been such a hard but rewarding and incredible experience. I would like to come here more on a âdailyâ basis and share with yâall what God is teaching me everyday, so hopefully I can actually start doing that. Thank you so much again for reading my humble blog, and I ll be back with more updates and insight real soon. â¤
âWe demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.â 2 Corinthians 10:5
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by what life is chucking at you that you simply just throw your hands up and say âscrew it I am doneâ? Well if you’ve been there, (which I am sure 90% of the human population has been at some point), then you know how I feel right this minute.
I just turned 31 weeks today, and wow do I feel it. Tired, motivation at ground zero, and my body just wants to lie around and do nothing. I canât afford to just do nothing, obviously, but that is what I wish I could do. So many people have told me to âenjoy my pregnancyâ, as if I have had any time to really truly relish and enjoy it. There is always something that gets in the way of that. Always something.
I guess it’s not completely true, that I havenât had any time to enjoy my pregnancy. I have, but I havenât really allowed myself to truly enjoy it. I have let the enemy toy with my brain, get me all worked up about the things I am not doing, and stress me out beyond all reason. When I moved back to Washington, I was well into my second trimester. By the time we found a house and got to Yelm, I was just entering my third trimester. Let me tell y’all⌠moving into a brand new house and area while 6 months (now 7 months) pregnant has been one of the HARDEST things I have ever had to do.
While Nick is away at work all day, I have to feed and take care of the animals, make the food, do the laundry, do the dishes, keep the house clean, feed myself and my unborn child, take care of myself, make new friends, AND on top of ALL that, unpack a TON of boxes in each room and create a new home entirely from scratch. Oh, and did I mention the baby registry and making up the baby room too? And that with this stupid time change it feels like its nighttime at 3pm? Lord Jesus have mercy.Â
I definitely donât mean to come on here and whine, moan, boob, and complain about my hardships to y’all. I am not so much complaining as I am just opening up about my personal struggles and how hard it has been to cope with SO much on my plate. I also know that so many people can relate to this feeling of just downright frustration and hopelessness. Overall, I actually feel really blessed. Blessed that I have a beautiful new home, so thankful for my baby and my pets, and so happy to make new connections here. But it definitely feels like I am drowning in it nine times out of ten. All the while I am thinking to myself (when I actually have time to think introspectively), âWhat is God trying to teach me during this season of life?âÂ
It’s been hard to pinpoint just what God is trying to teach me exactly. With how jumbled my brain is most of the time, it’s hard to remember anything these days which is why I resort to feelings of sheer frustration most of the time. But one thing is definitely for sure: God wants me to completely rely on him in my weakness.
There is no doubt in my mind that God is with me during this time. He’s near to me, and urging me to come to him all the time. Sometimes I answer the call. Other times I give into feelings of stress and let myself run around with my head cut off. He sees me, he sees my child, and he knows just how I feel. But ultimately it’s my choice to either turn to him every day for sustenance and satisfaction, or not. It’s my choice, and therefore my fault when I donât. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed when I donât hand everything off to God first at the beginning of my day.
It really is a day-to-day choice. Will you hand God all of your insecurities, feelings of hopelessness, chores, weariness, pain, and frustration⌠or will you take it all on yourself today? It’s also a day-to-day choice to feel the joy of his salvation every day. Youâd think during the Christmas season it would be easier, but if anything it’s harder. You stress about decorations, about gifts to get people, about events to go to, about what family you are going to see, and God and the ultimate gift of Jesus gets completely thrown to the side.
I think I am learning that the best thing to do each and every morning, especially right now, is to ask myself, âWhat can I hand over to God today? And how can I enjoy his salvation and feel that joy that only he can provide today regardless of my circumstances?â When I do this practice, it doesnât necessarily guarantee a great outcome 100% of the time. Somedays are great, and I feel pretty good. Other days…not so much. But it’s the willing surrender and faith that is key. It’s looking up to God everyday and going, âGod, I know you can help me today. I know you will. BUT. Even if you donât, I wonât give up. I wonât stop pursuing you everyday. I am going to keep fighting.â
This mantra came from a sermon I watched a guest speaker give at Manna church just yesterday, and in all honesty, it describes the Christian struggle so perfectly, which is to trust God in all things even when he doesnât show up. God never says in the Bible that he is going to deliver you out of everything. But so many Christians lose sight of what our time here on Earth is all about. It’s about allowing God to use our weakness for his glory, even when it feels unbearable at times. Many make it about how God is supposed to serve their needs as a result of them choosing to be a Christian, and that just isnât it. It’s not enough to just say you are a Christian. You have to actively pursue him, strive to be like him, and look for him in everything you do and in all circumstances. Those that take on the Christian label but have no intention of looking for him or following him will never experience the Kingdom of God. God will ultimately turn them away in the end.
This idea of turning to him daily and surrendering everything over definitely convicts me. It makes me realize just how much I take into my own hands, and how often I shove God to the curb. And then I wonder why I am struggling.
But like I said earlier, sometimes the struggle comes regardless. It’s how we react to the struggle that really matters. Do we keep taking it and giving it up to God no matter how hard it gets? Or do we close ourselves off and shake our fists at God and say âFine I guess I’ll take it from hereâ? Your reaction really determines how much God can help you that day.
For those of you who have made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my jumbled thoughts. It truly means the world, and I know my words donât go unnoticed. For those that are experiencing a similar feeling today of frustration, depression, and hopelessness, just know you arenât alone. God sees you fully, and he is there to help you if you let him. BUT, even if you feel like God isnât responding, donât lose heart. He has you in this place for a reason, and you will ultimately come out better and stronger for itâŚif you allow yourself to make the best of it, and surrender everything to God daily. I love y’all, and look forward to coming on here next time and sharing some more personal updates soon! đÂ
WOW, how has it REALLY been a whole nine months since I have written here? Time goes by so much faster when you are taking on more than you can handle. I am so happy to be back though and hopefully, I’ll be coming here much more frequently now that Nick and I are moved and settled yet again. And, for those of you that donât know, I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl!! Her name will be Autumn Joy Watts, and she is due on February 4th. Also, a HUGE announcement for Nick! He finally graduated Flight School in October, and is officially a Warrant Officer. Now we are stationed at the Join Lewis McChord Army base in Washington.
SO much has happened since my last entry. I worked for the Child Development Center for about 9 months, and underwent a pretty stressful hostile work situation there which ultimately led me to my resignation. However, when I found out I was pregnant in June, I started to experience some rough first trimester sickness which also made it much harder for me to work. By the time my second trimester came around, it was about time for me to quit anyways and start packing for yet another full-dity move across the U.S.
So below I am going to do my best to catch y’all up on the details since February of 2023. If it seems a bit messy, bear with me as my pregnancy brain is definitely not at full working capacity. Below I will mention Young Life/Club Beyond, which has been a huge potential job opportunity for me. For those of you who donât know, Young Life is a highly-acclaimed Christian organization which has established many outreach programs across the U.S, and abroad. The name of its military outreach organization is Club Beyond, which focuses solely on ministering to military teens. I applied to work for Club Beyond back in September when I also had applied to work at the CDC. Although they ultimately decided against starting a Club Beyond program at Fort Rucker due to my super short time there, I have remained in touch with them to this day. I am praying about what God may have planned for me within the organization.Â
Initially, we thought we were going to stay in the South. We found out that we were going to be stationed in Savannah, Georgia, and I was pretty excited at the time. I applied to work for Young Lifeâs Club Beyond prior to finding out where we were going to move next, so I was hoping that wherever I went, I would be able to pursue a job with them. To my dismay, my Club Beyond supervisor told me that they had no Young Life/Club Beyond stations out in Savannah, Georgia. So, I accepted it as Godâs will, and set my eyes on a completely brand new and unknown path.Â
I canât seem to remember when we got that news, but I am pretty sure it was about 3-4 months before I found out I was pregnant in June of 2023. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, we were told that we would not be moving to Savannah, Georgia. Needless to say, we were completely SHOCKED. Honestly, I am still shocked. I still canât believe that I am here. The military powers-that-be told us that we would be moving to Joint Base Lewis McChord in Washington, which is very close to Tacoma and Olympia, AND most of Nickâs family and my family. They told us that on paper, our orders had said âSavannahâ, but that in the computer system, which apparently trumps all, it had said JBLM. JBLM was our second choice, and Savannah, Georgia was our fourth choice.
You can imagine my excitement when I realized that God had placed me not only close to my family again, but also the possibility of working for Young Life/Club Beyond back on the table. I ran to my email and let my Young Life/Club Beyond supervisor know of the change of plan and the baby news. He was thrilled, and invited me to an orientation/discernment weekend in Colorado Springs where the Young Life headquarters is located. Although the discernment weekend was being held just a couple weeks before we were scheduled to move, I decided to go. On the day before I left, I unknowingly had gotten food poisoning. So the first day there, I was in utter misery. I donât think I have ever been that miserable in all my life to be honest. I am about 90% it was commissary ground beef, but I digress.
Minus that awful experience, I had an incredible time and felt very encouraged, but also discouraged at the discernment weekend. With my pending pregnancy, I realized that I most likely wouldnât be able to take on the job description that they initially had planned for me, which fell underneath a Community Director. I plan on meeting with the President of Club Beyond, and a supervisor soon to figure out what my next steps should be. I really look forward to keeping yâall in the loop on what God has in store with that.
The move from Fort Rucker (now Fort Novosel, although it will always be Fort Rucker to me) to JBLM was an excruciating one. It was even more excruciating for Nick and his family which helped him move our belongings and fur babies across the U.S AGAIN. Although I got to fly back to Washington with Nickâs family, it was tough for me to leave Nick behind when we had done our last cross-country move together. Although our first cross-country roadtrip almost ended our relationship a handful of times (mostly kidding although those cross-country roads REALLY tested our patience), it was an unforgettable adventure I will never forget. Leaving him behind wasnât what I had envisioned for this move, but it was the right call considering I am pregnant and would have slowed Nick and his family down considerably.
Finally, we have reached the NOW, which is living in a new home in Yelm, Washington. Finding a home was really difficult, especially one that accommodated all three of our crazy but amazing pets. Oh my goodness, thatâs right! We got a new dog in April, and her name is Molly. She is a Golden Doodle, and has been the most precious addition to our family. Although I will admit that I did get her without Nickâs full consent (yes, eek, I know), she has really been a blessing to us and our black lab who really needed more companionship.
God was SO good to give us this new and beautiful home in Yelm. We sifted through so many homes, and definitely went through our fair share of bad experiences. In the end though, God really came through for us and we feel so blessed. I will share some pictures of our lovely new home down below:)
Yelm has such a comfy and country feel to it. I am really excited to raise our daughter here, and share some pictures of the area with yâall once I manage to take a few. My goal is to come on here much more regularly, and share with yâall the rest of my pregnancy experience, my new mother journey, and Godâs plan for me moving forward as a military spouse and mother. I am expecting motherhood to be pretty rough on me, but I am also expecting it to be so rewarding and incredible. I canât wait to see my baby girl, and share her with yâall.
One of my biggest fears that I have though, is that I wonât be fulfilled as a mother. As much as I love my daughter, I have this aching feeling that I will feel stuck at home taking care of her, and that I wonât be able to pursue the things (like Club Beyond) that I have a yearning for. My fear is that I will just become a mom, and nothing else. That is not a bad thing mind you, not in the slightest. Being a mother is incredibly important and noble, in fact way more so than any job I could land out in the world. I guess I am just afraid of not being able to reach my true potential outside of motherhood. Although one could argue that motherhood may unlock my true potential that has been just waiting to be released. After Autumn is born, my thought process may be completely turned on its head. Only time will tell.
Ultimately though, God knows what’s best for me and He continues to remind me everyday that even when I donât feel even close to being enough, I am in fact enough. I havenât felt like I am enough for quite some time now. Every time I come close to feeling enough, or confident in what I have and what I am doing, a life-altering event happens and I lose touch with myself. My confidence has been shaken to its core more times than I can count now, and yet at the end of the day, I do feel peace. I feel peace because I know that even in my feelings of inadequacy and defeat, God isnât done with me yet. He has shown His love and grace towards me time and time again in my rough times, and He continues to deliver even when I feel I have nothing to give.
Here is a semi-quick example of this, which I can go deeper into detail in a next blog. While at Fort Rucker, I met many military spouses on Facebook, however this particular one led to a relationship that I never could have dreamt of. I was struggling with finding purpose, but I was writing here and sharing my experiences and trying, like everyone else, how to figure this dance called life out. I met this girl at a coffee shop, and to my greatest surprise, she had read my blog. AND, she proceeded to ask me questions about it. O_O We talked for hours, and I shared with her a bit about why I wrote, and about my faith behind it. This led to me giving her a place to stay when she was on the brink of divorce, helping her reunite with her husband, and ultimately leading her AND her husband to Jesus. This most recent Easter, she told me that her and her husband were baptized.
Although this is a very long story short, how incredible is God?! Here I am in my own struggle, thinking that God is just sitting on my life and watching me squirm, and yet He was working in ways I never imagined possible. I was writing things, thinking they would never really go noticed, and someone responded. Their life, unbeknownst to me, would never be the same ever again. Their life, as well as their husbandâs life, would be forever changed and saved by Jesus Christ.
This experience taught me that my words and writings do have purpose. It taught me that even when I donât think I am enough, I am enough. When I donât think my words are doing anything, they really are. God has no limits. He used me and my humble words to bring these two people ultimately to Him, even when I had NO clue I had that potential. So, even though I feel pretty discouraged, and unworthy now, who knows what God is going to do in my weakness. Based on previous experiences, I have a feeling that something amazing is on the horizon. So underneath the defeat and demoralization, I still have hope and an unrelenting peace.
If you have made it this far, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading all of this, and I really look forward to staying more in touch with yâall. This is a completely new chapter, and God has told my heart to share it in depth with yâall even more than before. If you have anything you need prayer for, message me or drop a prayer request in the comments and I would love to pray for you. I have an upcoming third trimester appointment coming up, and loads of new developments brewing, so be on the lookout for some new posts soon đ   Â
Our new kitchen!
All the fur babies đ (Kobe left, Charlie above, Molly right)
Charlie getting used to the new fireplace:)
New living room! (sorry for the slant, I will get a better picture on here soon when its fully done setting up!)
Pregnancy Belly photo!
Graduation Ceremony (next few photos)
Pinning on Nick’s wings!
Nick’s family
22 week ultrasound of Autumn Joy (I am now almost 27 weeks)
Hey yâall, happy New Year! I know Christmas and New Years was a little while back but I just wanted to share with yâall how our holidays were. I hope yâall had an amazing holiday season. Nick and I just relaxed for Christmas, which was actually really nice for once even though we missed seeing family. For the new year, we spent time with some close friends, and sprayed a bottle of champagne all over my friends front lawn. It was magical and memorable to say the least.
So far, the new year has been pretty standard. Nick is still grinding away in common core, but graduates in February which is very exciting. As for me, I have been busy working with little kiddos at the Child Development Center here on base. Some days I love it, and some days⌠I want to throw off my smock and quit. But the sweet little kiddos ultimately make me want to stay. Lately, the kids I work with have been remembering me as their teacher even though I work in different rooms all the time. One 4 year old kiddo saw me in the hallway and said to her mom, âthatâs my teacher!â Another saw me and instantly lighted up, which made my heart so happy. Another one couldnât stop saying goodbye to me as I kept walking away. Although I know they most likely wonât remember me past the Child Development Center, it feels so nice to be making some sort of positive impact on these little and precious minds. I did recently get a promotion, which has been wonderful because it comes with paid time off, more reliable hours, and great benefits. God is truly blessing me where I am at. đ
Lately though, these kiddos have been reminding me of myself and how I used to be when I was young. When I was young, I was so gullible (still am), and always took things literally. But it was a time that I really remember because of all the hard lessons I had to learn about life.
Probably one of the funniest but poignant things I did when I was young was try to tithe to God by myself. When I was really young, probably like six or seven, I didnât really understand how tithing worked. I thought that the money that people gave in church literally went to God, like through a beam of light behind the scenes or something. So at home I remember trying to give money to God, thinking that it would disappear in the morning. But in the morning, it was still there. I remember being really confused, and bummed that God didnât take my offering.
The more I write about this the more I question the memory, because of how much I have changed. When I was younger, my love for God was so simple, yet passionate and perfect. But today, it always feels so awry and difficult. Life has a way of doing that to the child as they battle and trudge through the mud and muck of adversity. But the kids that I see today and spend time caring for remind me of myself, and actually bring out that side of me that I thought was long gone.
I just remember being so in love with the Lord when I was young. I am in love with the Lord now, donât get me wrong, but itâs just not the same. It was so innocent and pure when I was young, and I expressed that love in so many unfiltered ways. But today I feel like I can barely open my Bible on the weekends, which is crazy and honestly ridiculous. Being around these kids makes me want to be like that young kid again.Â
Despite my unsuccessful tithe, God has shown Himself to me throughout my life in so many ways. In fact, He has been extremely gracious to me and has shown Himself to me in ways that have been so intimate and incredible. There is one extremely special way that God has shown Himself to me that I plan on sharing in my next post. Itâs just crazy because despite all that, I still really struggle. But when I was younger, it just felt so easy and unencumbered by the details and messiness that comes with experience and age. It just felt so effortless, and so much more constant.
Regardless of how much harder it has gotten for me, (and I am sure for some of you as well) to stay close to God and passionate for God, God is still right there, and showing Himself through this job that honestly came out of nowhere. Heâs teaching me how to appreciate the things in life that I used to appreciate, but look right past now. I used to write SO many poems (BAD, HORRIBLE poems you will never read most likely unless you maybe beg and plead for one LOL) about nature, and just random things that were around me. I remember the pride I felt when I finished one too. Although they may be bad now, they are so beautiful and remind me of a time when I really appreciated and loved every little thing around me. And now, in my life right now, I think thatâs exactly what God is trying to bring me back to. Appreciate every detail, nature, and everything around you, and give Him praise, and it will go such a long way when it comes to your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.Â
I really look forward to sharing more about how God has shown Himself to me in my life in my next post, because I think it will really encourage many of you as it encouraged and continues to encourage me. But for now I want to leave you with this: seek God in everything. In the job He has placed you in, in the friends you treasure, in the home you reside in, and in your family that you get to see. Because God has you there for a reason, and He wants us to feel His blessings and know His love in the seasons that He has meticulously planned out for us. No matter the season, there is always joy that can be found in Him, and that is what I am learning right now đÂ
I love yâall, and thank you to everyone who has stuck with me throughout this crazy journey. Remember, no matter how you are feeling, you are never alone. God is always there, waiting for you to see Him in the ordinary. Itâs in the ordinary that you will find Him most beautiful sometimes. I am so excited to keep sharing what God is teaching me with all of you as I continue to trek this military spouse journey. đ
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, âWho, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?â
He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: âTruly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.â
Matthew 18:1-5
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:27
See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.
Hey yâall, itâs been a crazy and tough last couple months! I may have told yâall in my last blog (which was a while back gah I am sorry yâall itâs been wild!), but if not I FINALLY got a job! I work at the Child Development Center here in Fort Rucker. Itâs been pretty challenging so far, but definitely rewarding. Letâs just say I have been screamed at, kicked, punched, and even pinched by the kiddos I take care of, but thankfully the super sweet kids make up for all of the difficult ones. Itâs been humbling, but itâs teaching me so much about infants, pre-toddlers, and pre-schoolers! It makes me really excited to have my own, hopefully someday soon:) Although, on the days that are extra hard, sometimes I am like âalright I donât think I am quite ready yetâ, haha!Â
Meanwhile, Nick has been working so insanely hard in flight school. This common core season has been really difficult for both of us. For me itâs been a whole new kind of difficult. It sort of reminds me of when he was in army boot camp, but instead heâs around. I am not really able to talk to him that much, or hang out with him until heâs done doing all his studying and homework. Itâs been extremely tough because it has made it SO hard for us to connect, especially now that I have a full-time job. So right now itâs just a rough season for both of us.Â
I think I havenât wanted to write because I havenât been wanting to focus on the struggle. But itâs weird because when things are going well, I also donât want to write because I feel like I donât have anything good or interesting to write about! But lately I have realized that it doesnât matter how you are doing; everything is important because itâs all part of the journey that God has for each and every one of us.
Itâs hard to find the time and even the motivation to do the things I used to love as well. With how much life wears me down, I often struggle with finding the strength to share my story or go after other goals. But regardless of any goal I have or have ever had, my goal to seek out the Lord has definitely been the hardest to achieve, and also the most important goal of them all. Itâs on ongoing struggle, but somehow God is STILL faithful, and seeks me out first more often then not.
Probably one of the most beautiful things that I have heard many times, but always forget is this: You are a poem that the Lord has written to himself. Each and everyone of us is a completely different but indescribably beautiful poem that the Lord loves unconditionally, and has created for His glory. Sometimes I wonder what my poem is to the Lord. I wish I knew so I could tattoo it to myself and constantly look at it, and remind myself of Godâs super specific and deep love for me. I am powerless to execute such a poem myself, however I would honestly love to give it a shot and share it with yâall sometime. I just think that is such a beautiful truth that we should always remember when we think about our personal relationship with the Lord. It can completely change the way we love the Lord.
During this season, spending time with the Lord has been hard. Life is always shoving itâs way to the front of my view. Itâs even harder to bond with Nick these days. But I am always having to remind myself that 1. The Lord is faithful, and 2. The Lordâs love shows itself in everything regardless of where youâre at if you have a true relationship with the Lord. The Lord always comes through, no matter where you are at, because his love is truly unconditional.
I ll quote one of my favorite films  (as cheesy as it might be, itâs totally true!), A Walk to Remember: âHis love (Jesusâs love) is like the wind. I canât see it, but I can feel it.â The Lord doesnât give up on you, even when you feel like youâre constantly giving up on the Lord. He knows the season I am in, and he knows the season your in, and He is there⌠right next to you. Reminding myself of that is so important, especially now when things feel so⌠all over the place and disconnected. But to those of yâall that are where I am, or have been where I am, the key point to really all my blogs is that you are never alone! When youâre in the thick of life, God doesnât leave you if you have a real relationship with Him. He always brings you back to him. And I would even argue that you CAN see the Lord subtly or majorly working in your everyday life.
For me, the smallest things are some of the most beautiful reminders of his love, especially when the day has been SO rough. I challenge yâall to notice the small (or big) reminders of Godâs love in your life, and share them with me in the comments:) I would LOVE to hear how the Lord is working and reminding yâall of His love for you in your lives. Once again thank you all for reading my humble blog, and for supporting me in my crazy military spouse journey. I love yâall, and I am excited to share more with yâall (sooner than later!) in the near future:)Â
Hey yâall, I am sorry itâs been a bit since I have come on here and updated yâall! Itâs still extremely hot here, and the bugs are nuts. BUT I have had some job interviews, and I am excited to see what God has in store for me with those (hopefully something!). Nick starts flight school next week which is very exciting! He took a week off so we have been enjoying it and soaking in each otherâs company. Once flight school starts, Nick will be extremely busy, and I will (hopefully) have another job to keep me more busy. In the meantime, I have been meeting so many amazing women here on base, and it has been so fun getting to know them and making new friends! It has really uplifted my spirit in many ways, and I really feel like I am making a great impact here. đÂ
Itâs been SO nice meeting other military spouses and learning that I am not alone in the ways that I feel. I am not the only one struggling to find a job, experiencing anxiety, and going through some tough times personally. It has been so refreshing meeting other women that I can relate to, and pray for. I feel so very blessed!Â
In addition to meeting many incredible military spouses, I have been trying to garden and build my indoor plant collection. Growing a garden has been really hard here because of constant bugs. I recently found tomato hornworms all over my tomato plants, and my heart sank when I found my tomatoes and tomato flowers eaten. But, I am not giving up! This military spouse life has taught me to never give up even when I really feel like it. I think it upset me so much because I worked so hard to keep them watered, in the sun, and taken care of⌠but it seemed like whatever I did didnât really matter. Sometimes this life feels like that. Scoring interviews is great and all, donât get me wrong. But lately it seems like I have been so happy for getting one, and that it doesnât turn into more. Itâs so hard to work so hard for something, but then have it not work out like you hoped.Â
This kind of life, the military spouse life, can be full of those kinds of disappointments. I am SO happy for Nick and want to support him in every way possible, but sometimes I really feel like I am being left behind, and that can be really hard. Itâs like in La La Land (one of my personal favorites) when Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling both want their own very different careers, but they want to be together too. Ultimately they had to make a choice between their dream career, or each other. Sadly they chose their careers and split up, but after being super frustrated and bummed about that ending, I have thought about it so much more and I understand why it ended that way now. Isnât it so hard to have both?! For me my dream was Nick and a family, and it still is. Like I have explained in previous blogs, I was always trying to figure out what my calling/career path was when I was in high school and college. But I guess I just didnât realize how much of my personal dreams and potential career I would have to lay down at God’s feet.
But you know what? I donât have any regrets. I know God wants me here for a reason. He has BIG plans for me, and I can see him working in my life slowly but surely. All the amazing women I have met have such a special role in my life, and I hope that I have a special role in theirs. Even though I am insecure about where my career/life is going, God is helping me accept myself just the way I am every day. Every day I get to wake up to the love of my life, and that is a major blessing in itself. I roll out of bed, and I keep on swinging. And I know God blesses that.
During this time, I have also had a lot of fun finding new hobbies, growing spiritually, improving my mental and physical health, and making new friends. All of those things are SO important, just as important if not more important than having a job. But the world doesn’t train us to pay attention to our wellbeing. Its all about clicks, messages, self-help, achieving goals, and staying busy. But God says no, that isn’t what I have for you. And let me tell you, what He has is SO much better. The world’s outlook on life is such a bummer. Its stupid hard, makes no sense more than half the time, and expects way too much from us. But God is teaching me how to get rid of that “busy”, selfish mindset, and completely surrender everything to him. My goals, insecurities, doubts, and weakness just to name a few. But He is also telling me to give Him my talents, strengths, attention, and patience, and to wait and see what He has planned. Needless to say, this is crazy hard and a constant uphill battle. But God is always faithful, and I know He is SO much better than anything this silly, stupid, and nonsensical world has to offer.
Like I said, I feel like God is preparing me for something special. I am just SO impatient and want it to happen now! But it canât happen until I turn into the strong and confident woman of God He wants me to be. Satan is always trying to sprinkle doubt into any crevice that he can find in my life, and itâs exhausting fighting against my own degrading and negative thoughts sometimes. BUT. God sees me in my struggle, and fights on my behalf when I am too weak. He makes me strong, even when I feel weak. And you know what? A life with God constantly on your side is a life worth living, and fighting for.. even during the darkest and hardest times. Those times make us even stronger, and prepare us for the unseen greatness that God has planned for us.Â
If you can relate to any of what I am sharing, please know you are not alone. I am here for you, but most importantly God is always there for you. I am always leaving God on the sidelines in my life, but He is always waiting patiently for me to come back to Him. And when I fail and feel so lost and discouraged, He is right there ready to forgive me and accept me as I am! Life is so much better with Jesus, because He has a plan for everyone, which includes YOU, even if you donât believe it đ I love yâall and just want to thank you all so much for reading my life story, and encouraging me in this season of my life. This life is TOUGH, but Godâs love is so much stronger than what this life has to throw at you. Know that He loves you, and wants to be in your life today. As for me I am gonna keep chugging best I can, and keep sharing my adventures and adversities with yâall in the hopes that they will continue to encourage and inspire yâall. đÂ
Hey y’all, wow I can’t believe we have been in Fort Rucker now for almost 3 months! Nick has been back from SERE (the intense survival course that I briefly mentioned in my last blog post) for a couple weeks now, and he is preparing himself for flight school which will start sometime in August. As for me, I have been looking for jobs, and trying to live the best life that I can. At the moment I am trying to get a job working for Young Life. I would be working with military teens and ministering to them as they struggle with the constant changes that the military life brings into their lives. I have been praying about it, and I hope that it is something that God has in my future!
In the meantime, I have been writing my gaming articles, trying to start a Twitch stream, taking care of my fur babies and plants, and meeting many new and amazing women. I have also been trying to improve my health, and spiritual life, which have both been tested quite a bit. But the job search has been especially challenging, and humbling for me. I feel as though God has been saying “no” to every job that I have tried to get, and it hurts.
For so long I have been taught to base my self-esteem on my accomplishments, my education, my job, and so many other things. It is honestly my default setting, and I know that I am not the only one who has been raised or conditioned in this way. In all fairness, I get it. If you want to be successful, then being productive, ambitious, having a prestigious education, and a great job does help. None of those things are bad by any means, but putting your everything in them can lead to some serious heartbreak and depression if you can’t meet the unreal expectations that you, and others have for yourself. I feel like I haven’t been meeting my expectations for a long time now, and its been very hard.
I have had to re-evaluate my life, and what really matters more times than I can count. I am still battling my default, worldly setting every day, and most of the time I let it get me down and overwhelm me. So much of the time, I feel so inept, ill-prepared, weak, and exhausted from every day life that I wonder if God has a plan for me at all. I look at others who have great jobs, children, and more energy, and I often wonder why that isn’t me. Comparison is what satan uses to put you in the pit of self-pity and despair, and keep you there. I experienced it to a whole new degree in London, and now even more so in many ways. Even though I know better than to compare myself to others, I do it subconsciously. Sometimes I realize what I am doing but other times, I just let it slide and let myself marinate in self-pity. It is an annoyingly easy thing to do.
But I know that God is teaching me to surrender, and look up to Him everyday. He has been teaching me and showing me that what really matters can not be found here on earth. All the things that I was taught to find my worth in, are worthless. Although I know this deep down, I know that I still really struggle with believing it because of how often the world tells you the opposite. For so long I have been trying to find my identity in a marriage, job, and a handful of other things, and I am so weary from constantly being disappointed when I can’t get the end result that I want. And you know whats even crazier? Even when some of those things are going well, I am still not content because its not enough to make me feel happy about myself. Its a constant inner struggle.
I know that I am not alone in this. I know that it is the human condition, and that its only temporary until Jesus comes back. But man, can it be challenging and humbling! God is teaching me so much patience, and self-discipline… two of my biggest struggles. He is teaching me how to let go of what the world deems important, and cling to Him first and foremost. My mindset is slowly but surely being changed from the inside out, and I can feel it. But I am fighting against it everyday, because of my default setting that is so hard to shake. Its SO easy to look around and immediately feel so worthless and less than, especially for me. But God says “No my child, I am doing a work in you that you can’t see. Wait for me to show it to you. I have a plan for your life, and it is one-of-a-kind.”
Some days I believe this, but most days my weaknesses get the best of me. My main goal right now is to master surrender to God, and wait in expectation for what He has for my life without any fear of feeling lesser than or worthless because I am not measuring up to the world’s, and my stupidly high expectations. God is so good, and He has a plan for me, and for you too, whether you believe it or not. Although it can be a really challenging struggle at times, God offers endless peace and comfort when I turn my gaze to Him, and His plan. Although His plan is wildly different than my plan, I know that what He has in store for me is going to be WAY better than what I imagined for myself. Sometimes I just wish it wouldn’t take so long, and that there weren’t so many sharp turns and bumps in the road!
If you are in a similar boat, don’t worry because you are not alone. God is near to you and He knows what you are struggling with. He cares, and He is waiting for you to surrender, and find peace and ultimate fulfillment in Him. It is something that I have to work on everyday! Sometimes it seems like a never ending journey filled with failure, but God forgives us and urges us to get back on the right track through scripture, church, and people. đ In my next blog I ll go into a little more detail about some of the amazing people I have met, my hobbies, and the main goals that I have for myself here in Fort Rucker. Honestly, I have been really wanting to get back into dancing, I just haven’t yet and thats something that I still have a great passion for. Anyways I hope ya’ll are enjoying my blog that should really be named “Keeping Up With Summer” lol! Love ya’ll and can’t wait to tell you more about everything God is doing in my life during this unique season. đ
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
The Daily Summary 